It’s More Than Wanting Her

I woke up this morning with an incredibly deep desire for Her.

 I’ve been thinking about it because “desire” doesn’t really seem like a big enough word for what I was feeling.

Of course there is a physical part of it. A very real one. I wanted to be close to Her. I wanted to touch Her, feel Her, take my time appreciating Her body and make Her feel desired.

But there was something underneath all of that.

Something deeper.

I didn’t just wake up wanting my Reason. I woke up wanting my Domme.

There is a difference.

I think submission has changed the way I experience desire. Maybe it has just allowed me to understand something about myself that was always there, but either way, my attraction to Her has become tied to this incredibly strong need to please Her.

That’s the part I sometimes struggle to put into words.

It isn’t just I want You.

It’s I want to make You feel good.

I want Her pleasure. I want Her satisfaction. I want that feeling of knowing that for a moment I have completely focused myself on Her and given Her exactly what She wanted from me.

And there is something incredibly powerful about that for me psychologically.

I spend a lot of my life making decisions. Being responsible. Being the person who is expected to know what to do next. There is always something that needs solving, organizing, deciding or controlling.

With Her, I can surrender some of that.

Not because I suddenly become weak or incapable. Actually, I think it takes a surprising amount of trust to willingly hand that part of yourself to someone.

With Her, I can stop leading.

I can listen.

I can follow.

I can serve.

And when I am really in that place with Her, the noise in my head gets quieter.

There is just Her.

That psychological feeling has become completely tangled up with the physical one for me. I don’t know anymore where one stops and the other begins.

My body reacts to Her authority.

It reacts to anticipation.

It reacts to Her attention and approval.

Sometimes even a few words from Her can change something inside me almost instantly. And when I wake up already craving Her, like I did this morning, it feels almost physical before I have even consciously thought about why.

There is an ache to it.

A need for closeness.

A need to touch and be allowed to touch.

A need to give Her my attention and have nowhere else in the world that I need to be for that moment.

That is probably why the word worship feels so natural to me when I think about Her.

I know it is a loaded word. But for me, worship is really about attention.

Complete attention.

It is slowing down and appreciating Her instead of simply taking.

It is noticing Her body, Her reactions, Her confidence, Her femininity, Her power.

It is understanding that I am not entitled to any part of Her. Anything She allows me is something She has chosen to give me.

And that makes me want Her even more.

There is something about that dynamic that flips the usual idea of desire around for me.

So much of desire is expressed as I want this person because of how they make me feel.

Mine increasingly feels like:

I want Her because of how badly I want to make Her feel.

I want Her to feel beautiful.

I want Her to feel wanted.

I want Her to feel powerful.

I want Her to know, without me having to explain any of it, just how deeply She affects me.

And yes, there is something selfish buried inside that too.

Because pleasing Her does something to me.

Her approval matters to me. Her pleasure affects me. Knowing that I have pleased Her gives me this deep feeling of satisfaction that is difficult to compare to anything else.

Maybe that is one of the strange contradictions of submission.

Giving to Her gives something back to me.

Surrender makes me feel grounded.

Following Her makes me feel closer to Her.

And placing Her pleasure ahead of mine can somehow make the entire experience more intense for me, not less.

This morning all of those things seemed to collide at once.

Love.

Attraction.

Submission.

Devotion.

Physical desire.

The need to be close to Her.

And that almost instinctive need to please Her.

I wanted to touch Her, but it wasn’t simply about touching Her.

I wanted to lose myself for a while in paying attention to Her. To have nothing else competing for my thoughts.

To be Her submissive.

Her partner.

Her boy.

And to give Her the kind of attention that says everything I sometimes have trouble finding words for. Maybe that’s why this feeling can be so intense. Because it isn’t just sexual desire.

It’s physical, certainly.But it’s emotional and psychological too. It’s trust. It’s vulnerability. It’s surrender.

It’s the strange freedom I find in belonging to Her in the way we have chosen for each other.

And this morning, lying there with that desire running through me, the thought underneath all the others was actually very simple: I just wanted my Domme.  

I just want to please Her.